Guest blog – Double Buffy update

Happy 2020, y’all!

PG has been actively texting in the last few weeks. His desperation should repulse me, but I find it empowering. He still claims he’ll visit soon, but for now, my holes are empty. Stay tuned. Whatever.

In the meantime, we have an update from our Buffy. Enjoy! (My commentary is speckled throughout in pink.)

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As opposed to Honeytoes, I have had little to no dick since the early June Hotel Shenanigans with RT, who is currently couch surfing and assumingly pussy surfing his way through several Canadian provinces. (Hmph. I doubt it. He’s too lazy to leave his couch, much less visit a different province.)

I was trying to meet my next ex-lover through online dating, which inevitably made me nauseous. (Dammit. It should be nauseated, not nauseous. To say you’re nauseous means that you cause someone else to be nauseated. Sorry, but that’s one of my many pet peeves.) In a recent meltdown, I drank half a bottle of very good, very expensive Spanish wine, then watched the Hallmark Channel. The Hallmark Channel for fucks sake, people – nothing good can come of that. (I can’t argue with that.)

So I finally met someone who piqued my interest and my lady bits. Kevin the sexually aggressive gym owner who, himself, is admittedly out of shape. He has a nice body, but he’s not ripped or cut, as you would expect someone who does fitness for a living to be. Normally I would change his name, but Toes and I decided that we dislike his name because we can’t imagine yelling out “Kevin” in the throes of passion. “Oh Fuck, Kevin” just doesn’t roll off of the tongue. All I can think about is Home Alone.

kevin

Anyhoo, RT and I stay in touch and he had said, “Sweetie, your sexual tastes aren’t normal. Make sure you discuss it before meeting anyone”. So Home Alone and I started texting and he was the first one to bring it up –  he was totally into Dom/Sub stuff, not vanilla. I jumped in with both feet and we started talking specifics, and agreed rather quickly to meet in person to see if there was any chemistry. We rode bikes together, then agreed to grab a bite afterwards. We came back to my place first and showered separately, because I was playing coy.  What? I can be coy – it was a first date. (I’ll allow it; however, I still strongly object to any pre-sex activity that requires showering before boning commences.) RT had said, “make him wait”.

We had a little cuddle session on my couch, which escalated quickly into #jackfest2019.  He came hard, I pretended to come, then he made me squirt. Whatever, we didn’t go get food and I was pissed. Ho’s gotta eat. (Truth. Ho-ing is hungry work! Y’all gotta feed a ho!) I called Toes and when she asked me how things went I said “meh” and she was like, “Girl, ain’t nobody got time for meh”. (It’s true. I said that.)

Probably I shouldn’t have gotten straight into the sex talk with him, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I ascertained that we were physically compatible, but something didn’t feel right. Why did I listen to a couch surfing, non-monogamous Canadian dude in matters of the heart?  RT meant well, he knows how hard it is for me to give anyone the keys. (No, he didn’t mean well. He’s trying to control you from afar. He is a le douche.)

So the next day I told Home Alone that things moved a little too fast for me, and I didn’t want to see him anymore. Apparently he was undeterred because a week later he invited me to go riding and hiking. That was fun, we managed not to touch each other’s genitals and actually had some nice bonding time. Remember: Buffy is a demisexual. I didn’t text him, he kept following up with me. Finally he invited me over to watch the Saturday football games and cuddle on the couch. (Neither of these things is appealing to me. There is nothing WORSE that a man can do with me than to offer sports watching and cuddling. GTFO, man. I’m looking at you, Superman.) Yay bonding time, Buffy was excited! No, I made him dinner then it turned into #jackfest2.0 (Can y’all feel how hard I am rolling my eyes at this? She cooked him dinner. I just don’t understand what that means.)

First of all, Home Alone has a high-pitched voice when he is turned on, which is hilarious and unsexy. Also, he shaves his head, and not in a sexy Jason Statham way, which is a problem for me. But I was trying to overlook both of these things because our sexual tastes are the same. We had a makeout sesh that led to the bedroom, at which point there was mutual touching, nipple biting, hair pulling, etc., and alas, no dick for Buffy. (You’re doing it wrong, Buffy.) Again, he came hard and I #fakedit. He didn’t have RT’s skills, and just wasn’t doing it for me, peeps. I didn’t like his vampire energy, and seeing as how it was a full moon, I went home and pulled out my crystals, did a Full Moon ritual, and saged his sorry ass out of my personal space. Surprisingly this worked for a good 3 weeks before he texted me again at which point I gave him the official kiss off. MUAH! (Peace out, bitches!)

Meanwhile, Captain Marvel and I had had an amazing 4th of July – a late-night heavy makeout/sleep over thing that ended in mutual fireworks but no sex. Still, the fireworks were nice. Then, there was no personal contact for 3 months. He texted me almost every day and we stayed in touch, but I assumed he was not interested because we made no plans to meet in person. Then it came out of nowhere, he texted me and asked if I wanted to do a motorcycle ride. CM is a manly man, a real Stud. He runs into burning buildings, operates heavy equipment, knows how to fix shit, and drives a F150 with big knobby tires. Buffy grew up in the country, y’all – something about a dude who has teeth, and a real job, and who drives a pick up truck just does it for me. Apparently my standards for possible mates somewhat resemble a cross between a cave man and Luke Duke. There is something rather attractive about a guy who is action based, even though what I crave is true intimacy. (Um. I can’t.)

So we rode motorcycles one day, I made us dinner (GAH!!), and then I casually said goodbye when he grabbed me and kissed me hard. Buffy likes. Then, a couple weeks later, he invited me to a country western concert and I agreed to go. Of course I needed a new pair of Double H Cowgirl Boots for this outing. (I approve of new shoes!) Knowing we would get home really late, I had anticipated that he might sleep over. Reverse Cowgirl wearing my new boots was probably too much to hope for.

Since RT returned to Canada, I had been completely unmotivated to clean my house. So I made a half-assed attempt to straighten up, and turned the robot vacuum cleaner loose, plus I washed the sheets…and made mint tea. You never know – and a good girlscout is always prepared to earn her #analsexbadge. (Ah, but did you wear your Wonder Woman costume when you cleaned?)

We had a great time at the concert, and got home very late. Fifi was PISSED, where have you BEEN? But she loves CM, and anyone who knows me – knows that if my dog doesn’t like you, you’re done.

As predicted, CM stayed over (GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, Buffy…never let them stay over!) and I broke out yet another spare toothbrush that I “just happened to have on hand”. I’m buying them in bulk now, and keeping them like serial killer trophies. Well, let me tell you, CM is good with his hands. While Buffy again got no dick, I did have an amazing “Oh Fuck” orgasm. He started out a little too fast and furious and I had to tell him to slow down there, Hondo. After that, CM got it just right, he grabbed my throat with just the right amount of pressure, while touching me. He put his left arm under my neck and restrained my left arm next to my head with his left hand while rubbing my clit with his right. At just at the right moment, bit my left nipple hard, and I fucking exploded then laughed out loud. Sometimes I laugh when I come, whatevs. (Same.) Then it was his turn, I climbed on top of him and licked a trail down his chest. I put his rock-hard dick in my mouth, licked the shaft up and down, and he groaned. This made Buffy happy. I made a glorious effort to choke on it twice, making it very wet and sloppy. (Way to go, ho!!!) I was working my superhero blow job magic of licking and sucking when he sat up, and I said, “What’s wrong”? He said, “I’m going to cum” and I said, “Well, isn’t that kind of the point?” He didn’t want to come that fast, but I pushed him back down on the bed and made him say my name.

saymyname

CM has exhibited no emotional depth, but he treats me right and he is consistent. I adore him.

Since the online dating scene is truly scary, I have ghosted all my profiles because “I just can’t” – it’s exhausting.

I’ll never find another sexual soulmate like RT, and his fine cock is in Canada searching for the perfect storm of 2 or 3 regular partners. He hasn’t found the right thing yet, and this gives me satisfaction that I am not so easily replaced. #hoskills I’m not writing him off completely, but I’m fairly certain we are done. Pity.

And with this I bid farewell for what is certain to be a long while before any new posts. Because while I adore CM, I have decided that I’m not willing to settle for anything less that what I want. I need mental, emotional, and physical attraction or it just doesn’t work for me. If CM can’t bring some authentic feelings to the table, I’m going to have to write him and his magic hands off as a loss. #accounting101

Toes has her thing that she wants, I have mine. We want different things, but we both want what we want. #sigh #unicorn #imwaiting

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January Wolf moon update: for the reader who said he 💟 me (That’s you, gao!!)

RT had wished me Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Clearly he is trying to keep his dick in the door. (Ouch.) I had already decided he was done, when several weeks back he messaged me saying he was drunk and using cocaine. (Stay classy, Ratatouille! For real, though, is it still 1982???) Buffy does not do drugs and won’t be with any man who does. So today he messaged me: “hey sexy” and I asked him how things were. Well, he has no money and no job, and definitely won’t be getting into my treasure chest.

CM messages me all the time, but we don’t see each other. He has no emotional depth to share with me, so I won’t be sharing my bed with him.

Meanwhile, last week I stepped in dog shit with my new Timberlands. Really, people?  This is one of my top irritations with humans, clean up after your dog! So I came inside and used one of the toothbrushes in my drawer labeled with an M to clean off the bottom of my shoe. Just one more dude that won’t be invited back. Nothing says goodbye like using your toothbrush to clean dog shit. There is no one of interest in my life and I’m pretty ok with that;  I want what I want and I’m waiting for it. #waiting #grabasnickers

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…and always remember: Ho is life, y’all!

Sluttily yours,
Honeytoes
#notesfromaslut #honeytoes #hoislife

 

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