Yes, I am still alive. No, I’ve had no peen. Yes, I am bitter about it. PG and I text now and then, but he’s too scared to actually meet up with me. Sorry, PG, but I can’t play the text game without benefit of peen. So…yeah…I guess that’s that. We had a good run. Maybe I’ll meet another guy who knows what the hell he is doing, but I am not actively looking.
Okay, so here’s a post from our friend Buffy. Buffy’s text is green. My commentary is not green, but I cannot figure out how to change the color to match this color…but whatever. #godfuckingdammit
I give you Buffy:
Have you been wondering if Honeytoes and Buffy are even alive? (Perhaps not) We’ve been off the grid lately – largely and sadly due to inactivity. However, I have unleashed my inner Ho and I can’t wait to tell you all about my new adventures (hoventures??)! (Right, so I pretty much assume that my vag is closed for business since my last peenal experience was in July 2018. At least I’ve saved money on enemas, man whores, and toll roads, though, eh?)
After months of “working on myself”, “processing emotions,” and thousands of dollars on therapy, it turns out all I needed to feel better was a big dick. #saveyourmoney (What the fuck?! I have been saying that the whole time, god dammit…I’ll send you my bill.)
It starts like this: Buffy got divorced, and shortly thereafter got a new job in a new town. Toes had tried to convince her that all she needed was to get laid, but nooooo Buffy insisted that she needed an emotional connection to be physical with a man. (Duh.) Toes informed her that she was afflicted with something called #demisexuality and Buffy resigned to find her knight in shining armor “someday”. (There is no such thing as a knight in shining armor. Just go find a fat cock and ride it.)
An #oldflame blew back in to Buffy’s life (…like a fart…) and she thought it might be real this time, but once again, the rug was pulled out from under our fearless heroine. (He’s a douche, y’all. Trust me…leaving spawn everywhere he goes. Jackass. Wait…that’s him, right? I can’t keep them all straight since Buffy goes between our pet names for them and their real names…I find it confusing. In any event, one dude is apparently fertile, so at least Buffy got out of there fetus-free.) She then spent 4 weeks crying on the floor again, grieving the loss of her beloved, vowing never to fall in love again. The circumstances were getting dire, so Buffy straightened her crown, got her #nailsdid, and tried to have a FWB date with RoboCop which fell through because he’s a wishy washy motherfucker. She decided #fuckmen #thatsit #imdone. (Dammit, Buffy! ONE SPACE BETWEEN SENTENCES. You are killing me.)
Meanwhile, her 30-year-old male therapist Manuel (…if that *is* his real name…), was all but ready to throw in the towel (Probably his jizz towel because I firmly believe he’s whacking it to Buffy’s texts…) and practically begged her to do something, anything including getting laid to pull her out of this downward spiral.
Buffy had a final meltdown and for lack of better ideas, signed up for a dating website. This brings us to the #currentsituation.
My first suitor was #pumpkinseed who was older (I did not want older) but he had started to grow on me, and kept making me dinner so I kept seeing him. #girlsgottaeat Good kisser, hair, abs, not psycho – he checked off a few of my boxes so I decided to let him play with my box. We were making out like high school kids three and four night a week, but the real question was – how big is his dick? (Good question) It seemed decent sized based on wrapping my hands around it but I just couldn’t tell so I had to get it in my mouth. I gave him an amazing blow job, wet and sloppy. Teasing, working the tip, sucking and licking and using my hands to grab his balls. Taking all of his cock in my wet mouth while I looked up at him just like Toes taught me. #goodstudent #honorroll (Atta girl!!!! You’re welcome. Wait, is this the short-tongued guy? Ew.)
He said, “Oh baby!” and I got #thequiver when he came…and then his legs were shaking afterwards. #hoskills Meanwhile, the rest of my life was going to shit. I was getting to work late, I didn’t have any food in the house, going to church with a love bite on my neck, etc.
Finally, one Sunday night we made out hot and heavy on the couch then he took me upstairs. #finally #thankgod Buffy gets laid. I was approaching the one-year mark with no sex, so I got it in just under the wire. #deadlines
He slid his decent-sized peen into my soaking wet pussy and I gasped. Hey – it’s been 10 months. Nice cock, pretty basic on the sex (missionary) but hey – I hadn’t had sex in 10 months, so it seemed like the #bestpeenever. I asked for some doggy style (always ask for what you want) but then we went back to #missionary. #donttrytosaveme (Basic sex. Cripes. Have you learned nothing from me?)
He lasted a good while, and the sex was generally good (“generally good” sounds awful, frankly…), but he tried to make me cum and I just couldn’t give him the keys to the castle. (You don’t give him they keys…he must *earn* them.) I’ve been taking care of business myself for 10 months, and getting damn good at it – why fuck with perfection? I did it myself.
He said he wanted me to teach him how to touch me the way I like to touch me and I was like, #aintnobodygottimeforthat.
Then he got all clingy and kept wanting to see me…Ew. (I agree. EW!)
While I genuinely liked him, strangely I had very little emotional attachment, and I wanted to keep it that way. (Good girl!) I didn’t want someone at my place or all up in my face. His one redeeming quality was that he was a great cook. But alas this was also his downfall, he was vegan and did not eat red meat only fish. He wanted me to give up butter and bacon. (Aw hell naw!) I’m sorry, but nobody comes between me and my Kerry Gold. #fuckthat As it turns out, the last thing I wanted was a relationship or feelings. But the getting some dick part was nice. My therapist approved as well, about both the sex and about dumping him. #bonus #therapistapproved #bye #sorrynotsorry #thankyounext (Um, your therapist approved because he’s jacking off to your texts, girl.)
Meanwhile, on the dating website, I had connected with a French Canadian, Toes wants to call him Ratatouille, but I prefer Unicorn. (My blog, my rules. I hereby christen him RATATOUILLE. Suck it, Buffy.)
After being let down by RoboCop and then dealing with the clingy vegan, yours truly was at a loss for what she wanted.
Ratatouille is an interesting species, he openly told me that he is “non-monogamous”. (i.e., He a man ho.) I told him that wasn’t going to fly with me initially, and we proceeded to stay friends and swap sexcapades with each other about our dates. It was fun…I had forgotten how to have fun. We were dirty sexting. He’s 50 shades of #wherehtefuckhaveyoubeenallmylife. Eventually I decided that a date with Ratatouille might be just what the doctor ordered. By his kinky and dirty sex talk about how he wanted to fill my holes with his huge cock, I could tell we were going to be physically compatible. #hespeaksho #mysexualsoulmate
So we picked a date to have play time: there were no emotions, no drawn-out stories about our past relationships, no love bombing about how he cares about me so much, no false agendas, no hiding the other 2 women he is fucking – we very practically worked out the details about using protection and that’s it. #thatwaseasy
Voilà! Buffy has a play date.
Still, as the day grew closer, I couldn’t get excited. I was pretty sure he could live up to all of his dirty talk, and pretty sure he would show. But I’ve been disappointed before. #oldflame #robocop
The day of – he asks me what he should bring. I reply: “your cock, ropes, toys”. He asked me if I was ready and I texted him a picture of the #minttea I had brewed to use for my signature #etrain. (Remember Minty Fresh?? Good times.)
Meanwhile, my therapist wanted to know if we’ve picked a safe word cause “it sounds like you’re gonna need it”. (He was hoping you would…remember, he’s rubbing one out to your stories. Maybe you should share my blog link with him? Also, let it not be forgotten that “therapist” is really “the rapist”…just smooshed together into one word…) Manuel is practical, and worth every penny. He saved my bacon on numerous occasions when I just wanted to give up on men, and on life. I thought for a minute and went with “croissant” for my safe word, but I didn’t plan on using it. I had already said yes to everything Ratatouille asked me if I wanted.
Ratatouille wanted me to wear different outfits and give him a long slow teasing hand job, which is a lost art. (ACK! You didn’t tell me about the hand job, Buffy!!! I have just lost all ho-spect for him. That is sooooo high school.) I planned to give him much more than that. I pulled out my #secretweapon lingere (Your Wonder Woman cleaning costume?) which had been sadly neglected. A black lace bustier with garters and black thigh highs, black patent heels. Those things are a bitch to put on, the straps always get tangled, it took me 20 minutes because after I had finally gotten the fucking straps on straight I realized my panties were inside out and had to start all over. (That is sooooo you…inside-out drawers…I am *howling* here!!!)
I got all dressed, planning to open the door wearing only that, when FUCK I realized that I hadn’t walked the dog. So I grabbed a sheer black belted dress from my closet to throw on over this outfit so I can walk the dog also wearing my black high heels.
I’m pretty sure my neighbors thought I was going to either a black tie event or a slutty funeral. 🤣 I quickly took Fifi (Jesusy’all…even the dog has a code name?!) out to pee pee, I did not want to be interrupted when Ratatouille arrived.
He arrived within 15 minutes of his scheduled time, and was courteous enough to text me his updated ETA. #punctual Upon seeing me in my black sheer dress, his eyes lit up and I could tell he was surprised. We went upstairs to the kitchen and he lifted up my dress to reveal the garters. He let out a long slow “Fuuuucccck. Me likes.” So I turned around and proceeded to rub my ass up and down his bulging cock. (Because it is polite to do so.) Then facing him with my back against one counter, I put my shoes on adjacent counter on either side of him. I started to unbutton my dress and he said, “No, I’ll do that.”
Fuck, he hadn’t even touched me yet but that did it for me, my pussy was soaking wet and begging for him. He smacked my ass hard twice, making me even more wet. He grabbed me and pulled me around his waist and said in a deep and demanding tone, “Put your arms around me.” I did and wrapped my legs around his waist and he carried me upstairs. So much for foreplay. #foreplayisoverrated
We went upstairs and we’re getting into it and he says in this adorable voice: “Little tip, The panties are supposed to go on the outside – so you can take them off but still keep the rest of the outfit on.” (You ninny. If I were him, I’d have punished you and cut them off so you’d learn your lesson.) I laughed out loud. #amateur So I thought about how PG likes to cut Toes body stocking off with a knife, and offered to let him cut them off. 🤷♀️ #useyourinstinct #extracredit (Okay, seriously, I put in my cutting off comment above before I saw what she wrote. #homindsthinkalike)
He went down on me and I fucking gasped. Nobody had licked my clit in almost a year, I came immediately. He kept at it, this time adding toys…fucking my pussy and sliding his finger in my ass. Fuck. I forgot how good ass play feels and I asked him to use my toy there and came again in a matter of seconds. I stopped him and pushed him back on his knees in front of me, and took his rock hard cock in my mouth. Deep and wet, ‘the wetter the better’ is my #blowjob motto. He grabbed my hair forcefully but with just the right amount of pressure, and I remembered how Toes said PG liked it when she choked on his cock so I let him go deep and he said “stick out your tongue” which made me gag on him.
He wanted me to lick his ass, which I have never done before but since I’m all about #newthings I said what the hell. It drove him wild, so as I finished him I used a lot of spit and gently played with his ass, going back and forth between that and rubbing the area just under his balls. (‘taint but a thang, girl.) I worked my #magic and drained him, getting the “oh fuck” moment and a nice compliment of being “very skilled”. He had said that he doesn’t cum easily with oral, seemed easy enough to me. #happyending
Then he pushed me back and pulled out a new move – used two fingers in my dripping pussy, pressed down on my pelvis and made me do this squirting thing, which is apparently “a thing”…. that I’ve just never done before. (Welcome to the squirters club…your membership kit is no the way: a waterproof mattress pad, lube, and goggles for your date.) I mean, I heard of it, but I just didn’t know how it happens, so I was embarrassed and told him to stop. He says, “What?” and I was speechless. He asked, “do you know what that is?” and my mind is spinning because it wasn’t an orgasm but it felt so good. He explained “that is female ejacualate”, “I knew you could squirt, I could feel it”. I looked at him with this deer in the headlights look and he knew exactly why and asked “you’ve never done it before?” I replied, “I don’t think so.” Then he asked, “Do you want to do it again?” and I said, “Fuck, yea!” #newskills
I squirted again and then it was show time. He pulled out a Magnum condom, ruh ro. (YAYYYYY!!!!) I may have heard angels sing, fuck he’s big, filled me up with no room to spare. Toes asked me if I’d had a proper fucking yet and I replied whole heartedly – “Yes, ma’am!”
We showered off afterwards and I took his cock in my mouth again in the shower, looking up at him. How is it possible that he’s hard again after coming twice already? Alas, we needed fuel, so I popped some chicken in the oven and we drank a lovely red wine with some fancy cheese before eating dinner. (Aaaaannnndddd here’s where she lost me….just make him leave, girl…..I know you and know you get attached….fuck him ad make him leave…no food, no sleeping over. God fucking dammit.) Then we watched Game of Thrones because nothing comes between my and my Kerry Gold butter, OR me and Jon Snow. (I have nothing witty to add here…I don’t watch GOT. I’m more of a VEEP girl.)
I asked him if he wanted to sleep over, which Toes forbids due to the possibility of developing the feels, but I wasn’t done playing with my #spanky toy yet. (You still could have gotten another jump and made him leave, you know.) I knew he wanted my ass and I wanted his huge cock. Who knew if I would ever see him again? He said yes, I produced a toothbrush for him which I have bought in bulk supply in case random men want to sleep over. (A clean ho is a healthy ho.)
Nighttime was uneventful, but we woke up making out and he started pinching my nipples hard, grabbing my throat just right and pulling my hair. (GAH! Morning breath. No, thank you.) Fuck, he is my #sexualsoulmate. He pulled two Magnum condoms from his bag, and started fucking my wet pussy with my legs up on his shoulders. He asked if I was ready for him to fuck my tight ass (it is tight) and I said #yesplease. Ever so polite, he asked me if I had a favorite #lube and I whipped out the #justlikeme lube I had recently purchased at a sex toy party.
He reached down and slid his magnificent peen (But not Majestic Peen™…there can be only one.) into my minty fresh wonderland. It was amazing, but then he suggested he finish off in my treasure chest. I remembered Toes favorite position for anal, and told him to put two pillows under my hips and keep my legs together. Toes is right, it’s the best position – she should get paid for this shit. (I mean, when you’re right, you’re right.) Ratatouille went in slowly, and grabbed my hips, but then put his hands on my lower back, completely dominating me. He was planning on putting on a new condom and finishing in my pussy, but he read my mind and said, “You want me to cum in your ass, don’t you?” I groaned, “Yes,” so he got a little more aggressive and I used some dirty talk to push him over the edge. “Fuck, you feel so good,” then he said, “What am I doing?” and read his mind. I said, “Fucking my tight ass with your huge cock” that did it. #victory #missionaccomplished
That was the best Monday ever. I spent the entire day at work with a stupid grin on my face.
So, there you have it, an Easter Miracle! Buffy finally gets laid (twice), learns to squirt, and checks off everything on her #wishlist with an overnight stay from Ratatouille.
Right. So, questions, anyone?
#notesfromaslut #honeytoes #hoislife