Hi, y’all! Honeytoes here (duh)! I have toyed with the idea of guest bloggers before, but no one stepped up. Losers.
Ah, but now? I have a volunteer, my IRL friend Buffy. We’ve known one another for more years than either of us will admit. Anyhoo, she offered up a blog post, so here it comes!
I will make her posts a blue color – the color of her balls if she were a guy. That bitch needs some dick – perhaps even more urgently than I do! I may insert my comments throughout her post, but those will be in black – like my heart. 🖤
Welcome, to your first post, Buffy!
Buffy here, yes that’s right the inventor of the minty fresh peppermint #etrain.
AKA Honeytoes’ stealth photographer who captured the elusive Man Bun with her cell phone while hiding behind a palm tree. First of all, Toes and I are opposites but love each other dearly. I don’t judge whatever shit she wants in any of her holes, in fact I love reading about it and quite kinky myself. But I’m also a hopeless romantic who at this point is more hopeless than romantic. Normally Honey doesn’t try to convert me to the #holife, but I’ve just gotten out of a 20-year cluster fuck of a marriage and we’re trying to figure out what is next for #adventuresofbuffy. (Dick! That’s what next, dammit! DICK!!!)
I’m thinking about having casual sex, eventually. (Thank fucking god.) Meanwhile I’m just sex binging with myself. So far I’ve touched myself in 3 states in as many weeks. #airmiles #whatever #youdoyou
I asked Honeytoes, “Is it too much to ask to find a man with a shred of intelligence, hair, abs, and a sexy job, who reads, but is kinky enough to bite my nipples and try all sorts of sordid acts, yet is a salt of the earth kinda guy that will treat me like gold and might wear a cowboy hat?” #unicorn
Her answer: #oneinamillion
So the prospects are lining up like this: Georgia Peach. He lives in Hotlanta, and yes he is very hot. And…18 years younger than me, he is the top prospect for Operation “Get Buffy’s Groove Back”.
He’s sweet with southern charm and abs you could grate coleslaw on, plus he’s tall and sexy. The best part, he wants me – calls me his crush. Buffy likes. So the plane fare is going to run me around $600, and my wedding ring is worth $800. This could work out well. #spankytoy #coleslawabs
I may or may not have told him I would lick turkey gravy off of his abs if he comes home for Thanksgiving. #gravyfest2018 #gravyho
I created a profile on POF (Plenty of Fish). There are indeed plenty of fish, but #godfuckingdammit nobody that floats my boat or makes my lady bits tingle. The online dating world sucks, but it’s entertaining AF. So far my favorite contact is an Asian crossdresser who wants to go shopping for A-line dresses and high-heeled shoes with me. I’m picturing a Silence of the Lambs scenario, where he eventually skins me to make a girl dress for himself. Toes will appreciate the reference. (I do appreciate it ever so.)
Then I blocked an Air Force medic who after 1 day of talking said, “I’m not trying to be skeevy or anything, but do you want to get a hotel room?” #ew #skeevy (Dammit, Buffy, the proper response is: “Okay, but it had better be a Hilton and I get the hotel points.”)
Met a cop a few towns over, I’m not ‘that attracted’ to him but he seems nice enough and there’s the possibility that #handcuffs could be used eventually. No need for a #backgroundcheck.
Plus Buffy loves a man in uniform: anything law enforcement, military, doctor scrubs, etc. #fantasylife #goodcopbadgirl #isthatataserinyourpocket
He agreed that the #friendzone was acceptable for now, so I agreed to ride bikes with him in the indefinite future. (Riding bikes. SMH. You are killing me here, girl.)
Oh this brings up my latest attempt to find Mr. #oneinamillion:
I decided to make the 40-minute drive to the tactical weapons store Saturday to exchange this flashlight I had ordered. Buffy likes guns, ammo, and anything tactical, especially men wearing tactical outfits. Surely there would be some #prospects at a tactical store. As Honeytoes is aware, I am an adorable #klutz. (It’s true. She is. She was also attacked by a cactus in Las Vegas. #spaz) I had sprained my ankle running, so I was wearing an obvious black ankle brace and was using one crutch. Was sort of hoping it would be a conversation starter. One guy offered me a shopping basket, but sadly that was the extent of my male interaction. #whatever
I was the only woman at the store, so that was cool. #nocompetition There were three or four hot guys there, so at least I got some #eyecandy, but the best part was that one of them smelled amazing.
I promptly went home and played with my #toys before putting away my new mace, flashlight, serrated knife, and a new tactical catalogue. #missionaccomplished #usa #dontfuckwithbuffy #buffywillcutabitch (Hmmm…I think she’d love PG’s massive…bedside arsenal.)
The week was shaping up to be a #totalbust. But I was walking the dog Sunday night and a sort of cute, well built guy in my neighborhood said hi.
He noticed the ankle brace and asked about it. I may stay injured forever if this works out well. #keepingthecrutches He drives a Suby, and was wearing a T-shirt that said Navy Medic #bonus and we agreed to possibly ride bikes together in the indefinite future.
I have a lot of indefinite plans to ride bikes with random guys. You never know, I could be one injury away from finding Mr. #oneinamillion (Wait. Is “riding bikes” a euphemism for “riding a fat cock”? If not, don’t fucking do it. If you are not attracted to someone, why bother? If I want to be with people I don’t want to fuck, I’ll go to the grocery store or the local mall.)
Georgia Peach could be that guy if he wasn’t so damn young. #reddiwip #stuffing #peachpie
Stay tuned for #adventuresofbuffy
Excellent first post, girl!!
…and always remember: Ho is life, y’all!
#notesfromaslut #honeytoes #hoislife