Here are some of the reasons why Stretch was blocked from my phone before he even got to his car.
- Showed up late wearing shorts and sneakers. I’m sorry…did I disturb you in the middle of your #sportsball game? I wore a lovely off-the-shoulder dress (I looked so #fetch – two young girls at the Starbucks and another lady there said so, too), but you apparently came from the gym?? So sorry to have disturbed you, slick.
- GRABBED MY HAND TO HOLD IT as we walked to the restaurant. I tensed up immediately and he seemingly did not get the hint. Abort! Abort! My fault…I should have walked away, but in my defense, I was hungry!
- Wore gaudy gold watch and matching bracelet. A bracelet. It looked like the style that you find at a touristy shop in Anchorage…you know, the kind with the gold nugget look? I cannot even with this…Oh, and he somehow had matching glasses. #ytho
- Kept telling me to be quieter when I was talking because people might hear me. Um, no. That is about the worst thing you can do: tell me to STFU. Bitch, I will cut you. You can talk to your kids like this, but NEVER, EVER to me.
- Would not let me finish a damned sentence. I SAID I WILL CUT YOU.
- Did not understand that I do not enjoy sports or children. What else can I say about this one? Somehow launched into something about his mom dying when he was 2 months old…How is that relevant to anything we’re discussing?
- Hated his hamburger, but didn’t ask the server to do anything about it…he just stewed and complained as I enjoyed my salad and he compared it to the Red Robin in DC. Uh…it’s Red Robin, ass face, not a Michelin-starred restaurant. Jesus. Get a grip.
- Repeatedly and annoyingly kept talking about my “big-ass titties” and my “phat ass”. I get it. They’re big. Can you please just stop? #nevergonnagetit
- High-fived me at the table. Twice.
- Reached over the table and tried that hand holding crap again…and then he kissed my palm. What the shit? I’m tryin’ to eat my salad, guy, and I need both hands.
- Got weird when I moved away from him as we walked over to Starbucks. Please do not put your hands on me like that. It is hot and humid and I DO NOT KNOW YOU.
- Tried to tell me that I am wrong about my love for animals over people. Oh, no, he bettah don’t! DO. NOT. FUCKING. TRY. ME. I am NOT in the fucking mood, sunshine. #stepoff
There are a few other things, but I’ve had enough. We went to Starbucks afterward and within 5 minutes, he got up from the table and left. He stormed out, actually, while I burst out in laughter…I hope he heard me. I was beyond pleased with myself. I got dinner AND I made him leave quickly thereafter. He’s already blocked from #Kik.
On a related note, I have canceled my AFF account. I’ll stick to paying for sex (I see you, Man Bun!) and waiting for Plane Guy, thank you. Now I can watch #AncientAliens in peace in my robe with my cats. #serenitynow
…and always remember: Ho is life, y’all!
#notesfromaslut #honeytoes #hoislife