What in the actual fuck?

AdultFriendFinder continues to disgust and confuse me. Men clearly do not read what I am looking for, so I ignore nearly all of the messages I receive. When many message me, their messages are one or two words – or letters. “Hi.” “Nice tits.” “Fun!” “wyd” Dammit, give me something to work with here, people. Occasionally I receive a sentence or two. Once a week, I get a somewhat thoughtful message, but it always seems to be from a man under 6 feet tall (um…NO!) or from a man who lives hundreds (or more) miles from me.

I have received several messages from one guy, DM, and they are puzzling at best. I thought I’d share them with you for shits and giggles. Note that I did not edit his messages (in blue italics) below in any way or comment on spelling/grammar. My responses are shown below each of his messages.

“Captivity……………dear beautiful stranger. I am not sure what other men wrote you today expressing their desirie to fuck you but i want to express that I would have quickly given up my freedom of being outside today in the beautiful sunny weather we are having after all the rain if it meant I could be held in captivity in your bedroom to fuck you for hours. Sincerely DM”
  • This is his first message to me. Um. How do you know I’m beautiful? My only photo on AFF is of my torso. Granted, it is a lovely photo (obvi), but my face is not in it. You’ll fuck me for hours, will you? Riiiiiiight. Most men rarely last more than 20 minutes…foreplay included. Pardon me for not giving your claim any credence.
“I would love to be in your Captivity”
  • Er…you mean, like, living in my basement like in “The Silence of the Lambs”? Granted, it’s a damned fine movie, but I’ll pass on that. Besides, I’m not sure you could handle the kind of punishment that I was known to dole out back in my days a a professional Dominatrix.
“…….Dear beautiful lover, for 15 hours today, the Summer Solstice. the longest day of the year I imagined what might happen if i had your beautiful body in my master bedroom room to kiss , hold taste and fuck all those hours…..For 15 hours I thrust my swollen black cock into mouth and into uour ass and sweet precious pussy hole….There was enough daylight today that i could dine you and fuck you forever….sincerely DM”
  • Oh, you’re up to 15 hours now, are you? If you’re trying to entice me, describing your cock as “swollen” is not the word to use. Ew. I cannot even.
“A complete stranger….Good morning beautiful stranger, i usally get right up to the point when i write someone but today, when I stared at your beautiful body i lost sight of everything except masturbating to an experienced of thrusting my beautiful black cock into your precious pussy hole . A complete stranger to me… I seem possessed ..Fallen into something new and with just a picture of your beautiful body.. I lost control and came to you…Before I stroke my cock again to you..can I always be able to look at you?…always? and whenever I need to feel i am fucking you.– I mean, will you give me you in this way? Strangers….. Happy 4th. Sincerely DM……..”
  • For fuck’s sake, DM. I think you need a hobby. My precious pussy hole will be devoid of your beautiful black cock forever. You’re freaking me out, dude. I’d have blocked you by now, but I can’t figure out how to do it.

Sweet baby Jeebus. I told you guys: being a slut is exhausting! It requires more effort than you might think it would to find a decent guy with the attributes I seek. ATTRIBUTES are required, people. Cripes.

…and always remember: Ho is life, y’all!

Sluttily yours,
#notesfromaslut #honeytoes #hoislife

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